I don't know how else to say it. I guess part of me really REALLY wants to be utterly pissed off, and that part of me thinks I have a good reason to be so. And maybe I do... I got hurt really bad and for what seems to be an unworthy reason to be hurting, but that isn't really up to me, I guess. I just got fucked and that's just how I feel.
This is the exact reason that I didn't allow myself to be close to anyone for the longest time... it had been... it had been two years since I felt strongly about anyone, because I was just too damn afraid to let myself open up to someone like that. I was soo afraid of allowing someone to see me for me, I couldn't bare being a disappointment to yet another person in my life, and I certainly didn't want to risk getting hurt AGAIN like I have in the past. But I thought that there was something different about this wonderfully delightful girl in the cutest glasses I've ever seen... I thought that things would be awesome and great and sweet and NOT painful.
And to be honest, it was really awesome for a solid month (not a hugely long time, I know). Things were just really sweet between us. We had our disagreements, but decided it was okay to disagree, because if you care about someone, even if you disagree, you still care about that person, and that was just another wonderful thing about her, and I loved it and was so completely stoked on that whole thing. And I was beginning to completely let her in... I was beginning to totally open up and allow myself to be close to someone again.
Then... I'll admit, I fucked up and did something stupid. But that was it. No second chance, no anything. Just a somewhat harsh realization that once again in my life I wasn't good enough for someone. And I hate when that shit happens.
And what hurts the most isn't the getting somewhat dumped part, it's the part that afterwards it's almost as if nothing ever really happened. She acts just like before any of this between her and I ever happened... it's just like said said... we are JUST friends NOW... and she meant that as a good thing, trying to explain that she still really cared about me... but it still sucked. And when I told her it hurts, she asked if it was because I thought that we were only dating for like a month and like I didn't feel like she gave me a real chance. I never really thought that until she said that and then it made sense.
I feel like I deserve a full chance... another chance.
But I'm probably wrong. I usually am, anyway.
Sorry kiddo... don't mean to hurt you (if I have). I do thank you for helping to make me smile and be happy... even if only for a month. It was a very amazing month.
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