Memoirs of Adam Alva

Christmas 2008 - Continued

2008-12-25T18:21:00.000-08:00

So it's 6:30pm on Christmas evening... we've eaten breakfast, we've spent time together as a family, we've opened presents... then we all jumped in the car and headed over to the local Kaiser hospital. MY NIECE WAS BORN TODAY. We weren't really expecting my sister to have the baby today, but as it turned out... she sort of went into labor really REALLY early this morning and was having contractions all morning... during breakfast and presents and everything. So after breakfast, presents, and phone calls from both my brothers who are not with us this year... Lorah decided that it was time to head over to the hospital and have the baby.

So we got to the hospital right around 2pm, and the baby was basically born at 2:15... so it worked out quite quickly. Noelle Ann Smith was born completely and beautifully healthy with lovely blue eyes, weighing in at 8lbs and measuring in at 20.5 inches long. She is soo utterly precious and I can't wait to hold her and spend time with her.

So Lorah and Travis are still at the hospital with Noelle Ann while the rest of us are back at home with Maverick. Someone's gotta take care of the little dude while his baby sister is getting rest and getting ready to come home.

So, needless to say, we got a wonderful Christmas present... a beautiful baby!

More updates and maybe even some pictures to come.

Christmas Time

2008-12-23T02:17:00.000-08:00

So as of right now, the beignning words typed in this blog, it is Tuesday, December 23, 2008, which actually makes it my mom's birthday. So before I even continue on with this blog, I MUST say... HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMY... LOVE YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU DO TO MAKE THIS TIME OF YEAR AWESOME... IN SPITE OF EVERYTHING ELSE GOING ON RIGHT NOW... YOU ARE AWESOME!!

Ok... this holiday season is shaping up to be pretty interesting. I finished up my first semester as a graduate student with an A and an A-, which are both pretty damn good grades, if I do say so myself. Two As and a very satisfied sense of accomplishment, what a great way to start the holiday season. So that happened, then I had my birthday on the 20th. Yeah, this last Saturday, I turned 25, I'm officially a quarter of a century, which is cool in and of itself. It started out with hanging out with one of my best friends, Joe Denges, where we hung out, then went bowling for our mutual friend, Tessa's, college graduation party, which was pretty kick ass, Joe bought me drinks as it turned midnight, signifying my actual birthday. Then on Saturday night, I went to the Gypsy Lounge's 3rd annual Christmas Party Benefit Show which had 16 of the greatest Gypsy Lounge artists ever... what a great way to celebrate my birthday, with so many of my closest friends and hearing some of my all time favorite musicians! So that was top notch, I don't know that anyone has ever bought me so many drinks in my life, it was great and I was so very appreciative.

Then as I left the Gypsy Lounge that night, or Sunday morning around 4am, I gased up my car, packed it up and my sister, Faith, and I began the drive up here to Northern California to be with the family for Christmas. My sister, Lorah is quite pregnant and is due in about 2 weeks, but is for sure going to have the baby girl sometime before then. So there is a lot of stress going on with all of us up here, but it is a nice thing to be able to be up here with the majority of the family. So that is our Christmas time thus far... a bit crazed and kind of wild, as my family always is... but the fact is... I love it. I adore everything about the time with my family, and I couldn't be more stoked about spending all this time up here... I'll be heading home right before the new year, on the 30th... but I am very much looking forward to the next seven days!

So... with that said, I think I'm going to go to sleep. This is such a great time to be with family and I couldn't be more proud or more stoked about the family into which I was born. I'd never change a single thing about my family or anything about any of them!! I LOVE YOU GUYS SO SO MUCH!!

And once again, before I go to sleep... HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMY, YOU ARE AN HONEST TREASURE!!!

The beginning of my Thanksgiving week

2008-11-24T13:09:00.000-08:00

It is November 24, 2008 today, which means that Thanksgiving is in 2 days.

My week started out on Friday night when I went to Rebecca's birthday party at The Gypsy Lounge. And let me just say, that was an awesome party and I'm glad I got to go hang out with all those wonderful people and spend time with some of my closest friends. Not to mention the fact that I got to have a sneak peek of the new Hollowell Christmas EP, and I pretty much hate Christmas music, but that EP is absolutely amazing. The emotions and the powerful greatness in each song simple touches my heart and makes me extremely happy!

So I enjoyed the delightful party and time with friends, then when I got home around 2:45am or so, I started packing up my car so that I could leave, along with my dad and two of my sisters to head up to Northern California to visit my oldest sister, my brother in law and my nephew. So once the car was packed and everything was ready, I decided to lie down in bed and literally 12 minutes later, my dad knocked on the door saying it was time to get up and get going. So after basically no sleep, I was in the shower shaving my head and preparing to leave.

So we drove, and we drove... and we drove. We got up there a little after noon, and have been spending time with my sister, brother in law and nephew ever since. My parents and sisters are staying at a rental home while I am staying here at my sister and brother in laws. So each night I go to sleep and each morning (which has only been twice thus far), I wake up with my cute little nephew RIGHT IN MY FACE... "HI, ADAM!" It is pretty much the cutest thing ever. I mean, I woke up yesterday morning with the little dude right in my face saying "hi, Adam" and reading books to me and doing all kinds of cute little dude stuff.

So its been a great few days so far. We've had booze (kick ass microbrew), we've had good food, we've enjoyed hanging out and spending time with family that we don't see too often, we've played cards (which was actually quite fun), we've done all kinds of awesomely fun stuff and I am loving every second of my time up here. We still have a night out planned for tomorrow, we are going to the Russian River Brewing Company (the place Travis works), and then, of course, we are having a big Thanksgiving dinner, which I can't wait for!

So that is my update on my week thus far, and I'll give you more details as the week progresses, but I just wanted to throw some stuff on here about my time so far.

More to come in a bit... maybe even some pictures, too.

A Tribute

2008-11-19T02:27:00.000-08:00

There are times when we do things to remember those we've lost. We build shrines, we look at pictures, we make scrapbooks, etc. All these things we do just so that we can remember that loved one, that friend, family member, etc. once they are gone.

On March 4, 2008, my aunt Teresa lost her battle with cancer and died after many years of fighting and being an amazing woman. I didn't know her very well, but the very few moments that I actually spent with her showed me how amazing she truly was.

In the few days after she died, I was sad and angry, but wanted to do something to remember her by. I wanted something to remind me of her and how strong she was and how much of an amazing light she was to all who knew her.

I tattooed the letter "T" on my hand. It has been there ever since. I just recently re-upped the ink so that it was a darker and better eligible tattoo of the letter "T". I just thought I'd add a picture of it here so you could see it.

I miss you Aunt Teresa.

Nothing

2008-11-17T01:05:00.000-08:00

Ha... I laugh because I don't know what else to say or do.

You act as if there was never anything between us. Like there was nothing that happened between the two of us, like we had nothing.

Well... I'll show you nothing.

Something

2008-11-17T00:18:00.000-08:00

I once opened my eyes and felt that I was so utterly blind, that there was no hope to ever see again. I was so blinded by the world around me, I couldn't see the one thing that was most important to me. I'd open my eyes and try to focus, but all the clutter in the way blocked what I needed to see. All I saw was hate and bitterness. I saw anger, depression, racism and lies. With all this trash in my way, I couldn't truly see the importance of life.

I couldn't see the beauty all around me. I couldn't see the love surrounding me. I couldn't feel the joy of family and of friends. I was unable to open my eyes to see the wonders this world offered me. I honestly couldn't just open my eyes and see the beautiful love that is YOU.

Then I realized that my eyes WERE open. My eyes were open and they were looking... they were just looking in all the wrong places. My eyes were allowing all the hate and all the bitter things of the world seep into sight, and they weren't letting the love in.

Then one morning, I opened my eyes... and there you were. You told me that it was all going to be okay. That even though it was sometimes hard for me to see the love and the joy and the beauty of you... that it was okay. You told me that even when I can't see anything but the hate and the bitterness... that I was going to be okay, because you'd guide my eyes to see the beauty and joy and love once again.

I long for those days, because those are my good days.

So I'm not mad... I'm sad

2008-11-16T03:03:00.000-08:00

I don't know how else to say it. I guess part of me really REALLY wants to be utterly pissed off, and that part of me thinks I have a good reason to be so. And maybe I do... I got hurt really bad and for what seems to be an unworthy reason to be hurting, but that isn't really up to me, I guess. I just got fucked and that's just how I feel.

This is the exact reason that I didn't allow myself to be close to anyone for the longest time... it had been... it had been two years since I felt strongly about anyone, because I was just too damn afraid to let myself open up to someone like that. I was soo afraid of allowing someone to see me for me, I couldn't bare being a disappointment to yet another person in my life, and I certainly didn't want to risk getting hurt AGAIN like I have in the past. But I thought that there was something different about this wonderfully delightful girl in the cutest glasses I've ever seen... I thought that things would be awesome and great and sweet and NOT painful.

And to be honest, it was really awesome for a solid month (not a hugely long time, I know). Things were just really sweet between us. We had our disagreements, but decided it was okay to disagree, because if you care about someone, even if you disagree, you still care about that person, and that was just another wonderful thing about her, and I loved it and was so completely stoked on that whole thing. And I was beginning to completely let her in... I was beginning to totally open up and allow myself to be close to someone again.

Then... I'll admit, I fucked up and did something stupid. But that was it. No second chance, no anything. Just a somewhat harsh realization that once again in my life I wasn't good enough for someone. And I hate when that shit happens.

And what hurts the most isn't the getting somewhat dumped part, it's the part that afterwards it's almost as if nothing ever really happened. She acts just like before any of this between her and I ever happened... it's just like said said... we are JUST friends NOW... and she meant that as a good thing, trying to explain that she still really cared about me... but it still sucked. And when I told her it hurts, she asked if it was because I thought that we were only dating for like a month and like I didn't feel like she gave me a real chance. I never really thought that until she said that and then it made sense.

I feel like I deserve a full chance... another chance.

But I'm probably wrong. I usually am, anyway.

Sorry kiddo... don't mean to hurt you (if I have). I do thank you for helping to make me smile and be happy... even if only for a month. It was a very amazing month.

I guess this is a rant...

2008-11-15T02:24:00.000-08:00

I don't really have much to say. I guess I never really do, but I end up writing anyway. Doesn't really matter, I guess, I don't think anyone even reads this thing. But even so, it is the only way I have to vent. I don't talk to people, I don't allow myself to ask for help with anything. I never let my feelings really show much, I keep things mostly bottled up on the inside... which is why I end up writing. Which is why I'm writing right now.

Lately, I've been really unhappy. And I've been taking out that depression, lack of joy, self loathing, inward hate, whatever you want to call it, all out on myself. I've been drinking more and more lately. I didn't used to just drink to get drunk, and I rarely ever got fully "drunk", but lately, I've been basically getting drunk like that everytime I drink, which has actually become quite often. I know that I have a problem and that I need to just stop all together, but right now in my life, I just don't give a shit about it at all. I almost enjoy seeing myself fall down this terribly dangerous slope. Why in the hell would I like watching as I allow my life to simply fall apart?

Maybe because it's easier than simply dealing with any of it.

The last month or so has been really bad for me. A few things have happened to me directly which have totally rocked my shit and hurt me so much, but also, a lot of things have happened to those around me, my friends and my family, that is really beginning to take its toll on me. The reason for that is simple: I'm always the guy to help everyone else. I'm always the guy to make someone happy when they are sad. I'm the guy who always tries to "save the day" when someone I care about is hurting. I'm always putting myself out there and being that guy who is always there, and I'm not saying I don't like doing so, I love to be there for my friends when they need me, but the fact is this, when you are always the one doing all that stuff, never giving yourself any time to deal with your own shit, and not really even having anyone do the same for you... it really wears on you. It really breaks down your spirit and takes a lot out of you.

I've always given myself and never gotten anything in return. I feel as though I've given so much and gotten nothing that I've become so utterly empty.

But with all the shit going on in my life right now, I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. I can't really deal with much more of this stuff, I'm losing it completely. I'm just really hurting a lot right now, and I don't feel that I can show it because I don't want anyone's fucking charity, and I don't want anyone's fucking pity... I don't really even want people to know that I'm feeling this way. I'm fucking happy go lucky Adam Lowe... I can't be sad and depressed. I've got to be the pick me up for everyone around... if I'm sad, that just fucks everything up. So I basically am not allowed to be sad.

And to top all this shit off... she broke my heart.

Is it fair?

2008-11-13T16:01:00.000-08:00

That I'd be willing to be with someone even when I knew it was never going to be a fully committed relationship? Is it fair that I get dumped by a girl that wasn't even technically my girlfriend? I don't know... maybe. She has good reasoning, and I completely 100% respect it and won't argue it with her. But at the same time, I can't help but feel sad.

She says she likes me... she says that she really likes me, and I really like her... but she has other plans for whats going on in her future, and I'm just not part of those plans... not even for right now. Which makes me sad.

So I just pretend I'm not hurt and go on living my life in the same way that I always do. I guess this is just another way that I have to put on another facade... I am beginning to forget what it is like to just be myself. I'm beginning to forget what it's like to just allow my life to be without having to pretend this or act like I'm that.

I'm sad.

The sun is about to come up

2008-11-08T05:01:00.000-08:00

So I am now alone in my house and it's 5am.... I've had one of the worst weeks I've had in years and I think I'm ok.

I've had some REALLY low points this week, but right now, I can see the light. I can see that I may have my problems, I may make my mistakes, but I am going to survive.

I may not be the person people hope I was... I may not live up to the standards of those around me, but I am who I am, and that is all there is to it.

I've just seen/heard my parents leave with my little sister to visit my brother in state prison and I haven't even gone to sleep yet. And it makes me crazy... but I love it.

So I guess this is goodnight.

I hate it when my mom cries

2008-11-07T17:27:00.000-08:00

There is something about seeing my mother cry that utterly breaks my heart into a million pieces and I basically lose my own ability to control my emotions. I love my mother with my whole heart and I will until the day that I die... and there are very few things in this world that hurt my heart more than seeing my mom cry... so I'll be sitting here and feeling broken-hearted because of the fact that my mom is hurting.

She holds such a incomprehensible power over me with her emotions. With a chipper attitude and a genuine smile, I can feel like there is nothing wrong in the world. Then things can turn around and I'll end up crying after having watched, seen or heard my mother cry. It just breaks my heart and I don't ever know what to do.

She cries and she says she is hurting and my world completely ends. My life breaks apart and I haven't a clue how to fix things. I've tried my whole life to be the one who is strong enough for everyone, to be the one who was able to bring people back from their sadness. I always was the one to try and make people happy.

When I can't make my own mother happy, I feel as though I've lost all control of everything.

A Spiral Down

2008-11-07T11:26:00.000-08:00

As I spiral down into the depths of this hellish life
I open my eyes to try and find some help, some rescue
Yet finding nothing, I fall farther and farther down

And this realization kills every ounce of my being
And I lose sight of any honest blessing I’ve ever received
It this really how all of this is going to end for me?

Am I really going to fall this hard into the end of who I’ll be?
My world is falling apart and I can’t think of a thing by you
So I’ll leave this place with a sad look upon my face

And I’ll die with this heart full of such painful regrets
I never told you I loved you, I never told you how much I care
Now you’ll never know and I’ll be soon forgotten to you

I’ll hardly be anything but a distant memory in your mind
And these pains, these regrets are all completely my fault
I wish my life would end on a different note, a better note

But I’ve chosen such a horrible path for myself
And there is no way to escape this terribly destructive path
I am sorry if I’ve hurt you... if you’ll ever even remember me.

Goodbye.

Now I've got something to say

2008-11-06T15:55:00.000-08:00

I recently had the opportunity to be a complete failure in the eyes of some. And it turns out that it doesn't feel very awesome to be a failure in the eyes of your friends. It actually is one of the most painful feelings there is.

I mean, it is one thing for someone to be mad at you, but then we all know there is a difference between someone being mad at you and someone being disappointed in you. When you know for a fact that someone close to you is disappointed in you or your life or some decisions you've made... it is so utterly painful, I don't really even know how to describe it.

So I recently did something that was, I'll admit, absolutely stupid. I should not have done it, it was selfish and stupid and dangerous and I simply shouldn't have done it. But I did because I didn't seem to care at the time. I was in such a horrible place for myself that I was truly apathetic concerning the world around me. I just didn't care.

So I failed in her eyes. I will admit that I acted poorly due to this seemingly horrible and sort of unavoidable self destructive path I seem to be on right now, but that's a completely different story.

I'm a failure and I don't know how to erase those ideas of me from her mind. I wish there was something I could do to take that idea of me away from her completely... but I honestly don't think I ever will.

How to you deal with the fact that you caused someone you truly care about to think of you as a failure? It's rough.

Hello, My Name is Adam Alva Lowe

2008-11-06T14:52:00.000-08:00

There are sometimes things in life that touch us. And there are sometimes things in life that move us to feel this or feel that. These times are what help to define us and help us to become the people we'll be for our whole lives...

Nah, I changed my mind. I'm not going to talk about that. I actually am not going to talk about anything. Enjoy reading this short blog about absolutely nothing.

This election

2008-11-04T00:22:00.000-08:00

I am sometimes so utterly disappointed and surprised by some of the friends I used to be so close to. After years and years of not being close to these people, I see something they say about stuff, about life and circumstances, and it really makes me think.

I recently saw something that an old friend of mine wrote about the current election and the propositions involved therein. I have to be honest, I was so completely surprised and disappointed in what she had to say. I thought she had morals and a sense of what is right and wrong. But reading what she had written... it actually almost hurt my heart to see she'd strayed so far from what she used to be.

I guess that is just the way of life, though. People change, get jaded and move away from their morals and standards of what a truly good life is. I guess I just thought that this girl would be one to hold on to her morals... but oh well.

I just want this damn election to be over.

Do You Even Know?

2008-10-24T13:11:00.000-07:00

Do you know how it feels?
waking up and hearing those screams...
waking up and hearing them yell?

Do you know how it feels?
watching two people who are supposed to love each other
watching them hate each other more as each day goes by?

Do you know how it feels?
to hear the tears rolling down their faces to the ground
to feel the tears falling down my own face to the ground?

Do you know how it feels?
to realize they once loved each other so much
to realize that that love is so far gone it's scary?

Do you know how it feels?
when you can't escape the hell they are putting themselves in
when their hate and anger nearly drives you to suicide?

Do you know how it feels?
when you wish there was something you could do to help
or when you just wish they'd end it so this would be over?

Do you know how it feels?
watching two lives fall apart so readily and so rapidly
watching as you realize that their worst is in you?

Do you know how it feels?
WELL I WISH TO GOD I DIDN'T KNOW HOW IT FEELS.

Darkness Takes Over

2008-10-17T03:10:00.000-07:00

My eyes

Flitted

Pitted with a glassy

Haze

Anchored in pain and

In agony

Stare into .my.soul.

There is nothing there

All I once had (stolen)

This voiding pain

Open .your.damn.eyes.

CAN’T/YOU/SEE

Hate is living (there inside)

. a . life . of . absurdity .

Within eyes so cold

(what has happened to what was once good)

-can-you-see-the-death-behind-my-eyes-

closeyoureyesandyouwillsee

[as this life is lost to the other side]

Now open your eyes and don’t miss a thing

-watch as this mind is lost-

LIE TO YOURSELF and

Keep thinking things will somehow be normal again

~then wish you were wrong~

As this heart stops beating as it stops breathing

:see:inside:yourself:what:went:wrong:

watch as

this man

gets completely lost

within himself

WATCH AS THIS DARKNESS TAKES HIM OVER FOREVER

You

2008-10-16T02:26:00.000-07:00

Soft

Sweet

Subtle

Kind

Welcoming

Inviting

Precious and

Perfect

is your skin

to my touch.

Lovely

Caresses

Beautiful

Sensibility

Warm

beneath my hands

is.your.skin

upon my fingers.

Sinfully Sweet

are.your

Angelic Lips

upon

mine.

Rest Peacefully

as i

Caress Your Beautiful Skin.

Oh. . . you're ticklish coo makes me happy.

I've Let Them Down

2008-10-06T12:05:00.000-07:00

Have you ever done something for friends in hopes of bettering them? Ever done something in hopes of creating something memorable and honest for a friend? Have you ever done something with the specific desire to make your friends happy and to help them feel loved?

And then have you ever actually done that thing... and had it come back and completely slap you right in the face? Well I did. Only the worst part about it is not that it's hurt me, it's hurt my friends, and so I'm not feeling too stoked on life right now.

I did something, I created something to help make my friends happy... I created something as a complete tribute to how much I love them and how highly I think of them. But it turns out, some people aren't too keen on certain aspects of normal life, and they have hurt my friends because of it. So because of something I did... my friends are being punished (in one way or another), and that breaks my heart.

I just want you guys to know that I am sorry. I only wanted to show my appreciation and my love. I am so sorry.

Thoughts of Reverence

2008-09-29T12:05:00.000-07:00

I am Adam Alva. I'm 24, almost 25. I'm from a family of 6 kids and parents who have never been divorced. I've been through hell and back. But I've never truly felt the awe of something being so utterly respected and treated with such absolute reverence until yesterday.

Yesterday, September 28, 2008, I ran in the breast cancer awareness Race for the Cure 5K in Fashion Island, Newport Beach, California. Along with 30-40 thousand other individuals, I stood there, waiting for the race to begin. Among the crowd of endless faces, I heard laughter, yelling, screaming, talking... I heard the roar of an endless sea of faces and it was overwhelmingly loud and outrageous. I stood there thinking, this is just so completely loud, how we will hear when the race begins? But then, out of the roar came a voice that sang the National Anthem before our race was to begin. She was singing, and the ENTIRE crowd fell silent. This undying roar that was just over-taking the ears of every man, woman and child in the area, all fell silent, and looked to the American Flag, hands over hearts, as this song rang out from the speakers all around us. I looked towards the flag and listened to the words being sung, and I thought to myself wow... each one of these individuals standing here IS standing here because of the idea that this flag and this song stands for. We all stood there, with the freedom to stand there, because of the ideals this flag and this song have upheld for centuries, now.

It is incredibly awe-inspiring to feel the hush of such a large and such a loud crowd to give reverence to what, to some, may just be a piece of cloth. But that piece of cloth represents the lives of millions upon millions of people who stood up for what that flag means, and what that song represents; that piece of cloth represents the people who gave everything they had, including their lives, just so that hundreds of years later, we could all be standing there enjoying the freedom that they fought and died for.

This was simply an amazingly inspiring day, a moving moment. And I'll not soon forget the sense of pride for my country that came over me. I'm proud of the fact that I'm an American, and I just want to say that you should be, too. And I NEED to say thank you. Thank you to the men and women who give everything they have to me to have the freedom to do this.

Thank you.

Open Your Eyes

2008-09-24T22:27:00.000-07:00

What do you call it when you open your eyes and don't really understand the life that you are living? When you open your eyes and can't make sense of anything going on around you? It's called being normal.

At one point or another, we all feel quite confused about the lives we seem to be living. We feel lost and wish we could figure out an "easy" way to do things, or figure out the "easy" way to make a living while still managing to have a good, decent, and perhaps even fun life. But the fact is that mostly doesn't exist. The things we love doing for fun don't usually ever connect to or relate with the things we must do to make a living and support our lives, families, habits, etc.

What is the balance to find? Open your eyes and find something that you love, and if you are lucky, and you can do it enough, you MAY be able to find yourself living the life doing what you love to do and finding a way to support yourself and your loved ones.

What a tough balance to find. Sometimes it doesn't exist for some people... but sometimes it does exist and when and if you find it... HOLD ON TO IT.

So This is it, Huh?

2008-08-25T11:20:00.000-07:00

Yep, so this is what I've been planning on doing for how long, now? I've been putting forth so much effort and working so hard to get to this point? I spent all that time getting here, I sacrificed all those things to arrive here... somewhere I don't really want to be right now?

On Wednesday (the day after tomorrow), I get to start my first classes of Graduate School. The concept of it is pretty cool. I do well in school without having to try exceptionally hard, which is a good thing, but the fact of the matter here is that I don't really even want to be back in school at all. I love the idea of doing it, of getting my Master's and all that sweet jazz, but I hate the actual fact that it means I have to go back and be IN school again. Granted, it's only been since May that I've been out of school, but that has been MORE THAN ENOUGH to realize how much I dislike having to be IN school.

I think my biggest thing right now is that I am so utterly and completely unsure of myself. I have done this, and I've done that, but none of it seems to be amounting to ANYTHING. Has everything I've ever done been in vain? Or was it worth anything at all?!?! I honestly don't know. I guess all that is left is to just do what I feel I was meant to do... and when I accomplish that goal . . . move on to the next goal. Because that is what life is about, right? Creating and then conquering goals, isn't it?

I guess I've got some work cut out for me now, Don't I?

Starting Over - A New Beginning . . .

2008-08-16T19:43:00.000-07:00

Throughout our lives, we do things that seem less than perfect. We make decisions that end up, in one way or another, ruining the lives we lead. But at the same time, we are given chances to have an all new beginning. We are given the chance to start all over again . . . a completely fresh start. These are things we must strive for in life.

When these chances come about, we either take them or we don't. We either make that change in our lives, or we just keep going where we were going, which is usually down. So when these opportunities come about, and if we decide to change, there are things we can do to illustrate this change we made.

I've recently realized that I need to make changes in my life. I completely fucked up a friendship that could have been something incredibly great just because of my own simple feelings. I told her I liked her and took those words a little too far and she basically shunned me, and I've been heartbroken ever since.

So with that, and a few other things going on in my life, I felt like it was time to change some stuff. But I wanted to go old fashioned and find a way to show that I was going to change and work on being a better person. So I did what best I could figure out would illustrate my change.

Here is to my fresh start:

I buzzed my hair, obviously. I haven't cut my hair this short in a little over a year, I believe. So it is something completely new and fresh to symbolize a new beginning. So I'll be no hair AND a beard for a while.

It's Hit Me Again . . .

2008-08-15T17:54:00.000-07:00

For those of you who actually read this - don't worry about a thing. I've just realized a few things just now, and now I'm pretty sad.

I wanted to be something special for her, I wanted her to like me, and I just wanted her to know how I felt . . . and now she wants nothing to do with me.

Ha . . . I laugh because if I don't . . . I'll probably end up crying. The whole situation isn't even that big of a deal, but in my heart, it's become something more than it ever should have. I allowed myself to fall for her, which was stupid on my part, and now I'm just left here alone, with nothing but constant realizations of my own stupidity and heartache.

Why did this happen to me? Do I truly deserve this from someone who hardly knows me?

Is Anyone Proud of Me?

2008-08-14T22:35:00.000-07:00

I know that this blog title sounds a bit depressing. Perhaps it is, but for me, it is a simple question that I've honestly been wondering lately. I've got a lot of things going on in my life right now and so many things that I feel I should perhaps be proud of, but I don't feel that anyone else is truly proud of me. Or at least it doesn't feel like anyone has said anything or made anything clear to me that they are proud.

For example, in a little less than two weeks, I will be starting Graduate School. In my own eyes, that is something to be truly proud of, it is an honest accomplishment. But right now, I don't feel like I am very accomplished. I don't feel that this huge deal in life (beginning this stage of life called "Graduate School") is at all important to anyone but me. I want to prove that I am worth some sort of greatness, that I am worth being proud of, but I just haven't felt like I've gotten that.

I don't know how to explain it. But let me try. I've been watching the 2008 Summer Olympics lately, and yes, these people are truly impressive, but what has caught my eye are these opympians' parents. I just saw Ryan Lochte win the gold medal in some swimming event, which was his first gold EVER, and the camera panned to his father, cheering ecstatically for his son, and actually even getting tears in his eyes because of the pride he had in his son after such an incredible accomplishment. Now... I know that what I've done is nowhere near a gold medal in the olympics, but I do feel that having been accepted to Graduate School and starting said school in less than two weeks . . . I'd say that is something to be proud of; I'd say that is something for my friends and family to be proud of. I don't do the things I do in hopes of being praised for how great I am. Because in my eyes, I am certainly not great. I am just a guy who is trying to do all he can. I guess perhaps I just feel that I deserve a little bit of praise.

So I am starting Graudate School in 13 days, and I am going to be working towards a Masters degree in Literature and Writing Studies, something I've dreamed about for as long as I can remember. But who is saying anything to me about these great things I've accomplished? Who is cheering me on in this new journey of my life? I don't feel that anyone is cheering me on. I feel like I am doing this journey, making this trek all on my own.

I just want to feel like what I'm doing means something to someone.

A New Beginning . . . It's Coming

2008-08-14T10:34:00.000-07:00

Some of you have been reading these blogs and some have commented, which I truly appreciate. It is always nice to hear what logical people have to say about my random rants. Cause that is all they are. . . they are rants from my heart and mind. So comments are always welcome.

With that said, I'm sure you've noticed that there is a main theme here, and that this theme is depression based. Well I am a depressed person, and I can't escape that. I've heard things from some of you suggesting that there is escape from it, and yes, I believe that is true, for most people. I've gotten out of depression, but I've never fully escaped from it.

Lately I've been writing about a girl. She is a fantastic girl and I care for her deeply. But I've come off as far too crazy and overbearing. I initially told her I liked her and all the cute little stupid things that go with that. But then I kept telling her things . . . not bad things, just the same stuff only over and over. So I became overwhelming, I'm sure. In the end, I got shut down because I didn't live up to her standards. And to be honest with you guys . . . I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER ABOUT THAT! This girl deserves to have EVERYTHING she asks for. The fact that I was a little less than perfect in her eyes, it simply means that there is someone out there SO MUCH MORE AMAZING for her . . . and in turn, it means that there is someone out there for ME as well. So this whole situation is a growing experience. So I am happy about it.

Granted, I am still hurt over the whole thing. My life is certainly NOT over, and my world is absolutely NOT going to end! But the fact is, I got hurt, but I got hurt for a good reason, and for a good cause. I pray that Maria can forgive my overwhelming consistency and overbearing (on occasion) words. She is a wonderful girl and I wish the best for her in her life! I ask only that she forgive me and that we can find a way to be friends still.

___________________________________________________________________

Maria, I know this is about as unconventional as it can get, but I really am so very sorry. I hope that you can understand that I never meant to upset you, I never meant to overwhelm you, I never meant to hurt you. I just wanted you to know how I felt. So I pray you can forgive me and that we can still be friends once you are gone, and keep in touch. You are a wonderful girl and I know my life would be enriched with you in it!

~ Adam Alva

Permeating My Mind...

2008-08-13T12:19:00.000-07:00

Empty and alone is my world. I've opened myself up too many times to too many people and all I've ever gotten in return is pain and heartache. For so long I've tried to be what everyone needs. I've tried to be the guy who saves the day each and every time someone needs to be saved. I've given everything that I have inside me, I've given everything that I could ever possibly give, and I'm left empty. I'm left realizing that I've given everything I have all in vain. I want to give, I want to help, I want to inspire others to help, I want to encourage greatness, but I feel all I have ever and will ever do is illustrate my own naivete.

Friends, family, people I hardly know - I've given so much of myself to these people in hopes of showing them that there is greatness in this world, in hopes of showing them that there are people in this life who will actually care about them. I've given every ounce of being in me, and I've learned that it is not worth anything. I've learned that giving of myself is nothing but a waste of time. Because people MAY thank me, people MAY appreciate what I've done, people MAY notice that I've given so much of myself . . . but MOST wont even care at all. They'll just think they deserved it, that it's something I was SUPPOSED to do . . . but the fact is, I do it because I want to give hope. But all I end up giving . . . or, all they end up receiving is a big head about whatever situation I helped them through.

I don't expect much from anyone. Hell, I don't expect ANYTHING from ANYONE . . . but when I look at life and realize that I'm the only one giving anything . . . I guess it just seems like it might be nice to get some recognition for the things I do. I guess I feel like it might be nice to hear some words of appreciation, words of thanks . . . ANYTHING would be nice.

I just give so much and get absolutely nothing back. It doesn't seem fair at all . . . but since when was life ever fair, right?

How Do You Solve a Problem . . .

2008-08-12T19:31:00.000-07:00

For the longest time I've struggled with depression having to do with family, friends, and specifically, women. It's been a terrible problem for me to find ways to cope with the pain and whatnot with all these different situations. I've taken to the bottle, I've taken to being completely anti-social and shutting off from the world... you name it, I've probably done it in hopes of finding something to fill the void caused in my life.

Recently, I met a girl who was exceptionally amazing. She was beautiful, she was sweet, she was intelligent and seemingly perfect in every single way. I knew from the first moment I saw her that there was something special about her. I was immediately drawn to her... I had no idea what exactly it was, but I just knew that I needed to know her and have her in my life. I felt that she was something special... and that she was something special, just for me.

She was only here for the Summer, though. She is from Canada and was going to be leaving only 3 weeks after I met her. I didn't know what to do. Was I going to tell her how I felt? Was I going to explain that she meant something special to me? So after seeking counsel from many respected friends, I decided that I was going to tell her how I felt. Nothing too crazy, just that to me, she was very special and that I liked her and wished to know her more.

So I told her how I felt. I think things just got a little confused and emotional for me, so I ended up saying a few things I probably shouldn't have - but all in hopes of trying to explain my own feelings. I wanted her to know how I felt, but I didn't want to freak her out, so I said what I did, and never meant to hurt her . . . and so ever since then, things between her and I haven't been the same. So she is leaving in 4 days and I'm pretty sure she won't speak to me and my heart is broken from her shutting me down.

She isn't even gone yet, and I already miss her. . . I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to say anymore. I don't know if I've ruined it all completely? Is there really no more hope for her and I to ever be anything? I hope not. . . I want to have something to do with her. I want her to be part of my life. . .

I called this blog "How Do You Solve a Problem" because of the movie The Sound of Music. Everyone knows the song, How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria? Well that is her... Maria.